Ripples of Compassion Change Our World

When we see ourselves as a verb and not a noun, we are closer to the truth of how to live this life more comfortably.

“Each of you is perfect the way you are ... and you can use a little improvement.” Suzuki Roshi reminds us that there is space for both acceptance and growth. In the mind of the beginner, as he says, there are many possibilities. In the mind of the expert, there are few. I challenge us to always be beginners. For all of us, this is our first time living this life, and who gets everything right the first time around? This is a No Perfection Zone.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.” Carl Rogers inspires us with a similar sentiment: when we accept ourselves without condition, just as we are today, we begin to see this compassion transform who we are into what we will become. When we redefine our relationship with ourselves, we redefine our relationship with everything else. Everything touches; there is no separation. A ripple in the pond is felt throughout the whole pond. A ripple in my life can be felt in yours by how I behave, how I treat you, the approach to life I exude in the space we share, and my willingness to see your pain and suffering because I know the pain and suffering within myself. By allowing myself to be a being with needs on this little blue ball, I accept that you are a being with needs on that same little blue ball. Thus, self-compassion is the starting place to address the ills of our world.

In consumerism, life is a problem, and there is a product or service that can solve it. However, there was a time for all of us when life was not a problem but an adventure. You may have to go very far back to remember that time. Perhaps you were 8 or 9 years old, maybe even younger. Life was a wonder to be discovered, and you were part of it. Every stone held secrets; every tree had a story to tell. When you saw a frog jump, it sparked an explosion of laughter that was genuine and free. No charge. But as adults, we are told we must pay for joy and in order to pay, we must also work. Some of us may work in jobs that cause us much suffering and also may even bring suffering to others or our planet to pay for this joy. Jack Kornfield, the psychotherapist and writer, talks about learning from one of his main spiritual teachers that his suffering is not from the fact that his wants are too large, but rather from them being too small. He only wants the house, the partner, the car, the career. His teacher challenges him by asking, “Why not want it all!?! Why not want everything?” Why not want the sunset or the fruit ripening on the branch or even the laughter of a child discovering stones, trees, and frogs for the first time?

We all know suffering and we all know struggle. But, even when we are struggling, there is always some part of us that is not. Suffering and well-being can coexist. Joy and challenge live side by side. But how do we create more spaciousness in our lives so that we may exist with all of our parts? What does that look like?

The art of mindfulness allows us to rest in our wellness, in the space where we feel most safe in the here-and-now. That may be in our physical body or our relationships or our ability to smile at our suffering with a compassionate heart. For me, it is sitting with my dog, Carl. But in all cases, whether resting in our body, relations, our compassionate heart, or the loving presence of our pets, we are always breathing, and when we are breathing, we know we are alive.

When we direct our attention to our breathing while resting in this place of safety, we can become the breathing. We can relax and awaken to our true nature, gaining a more accurate glimpse of how we exist in the universe. We are an event, not an object. We are an active happening called Now. When we see ourselves as a verb and not a noun, we are closer to the truth of how to live this life more comfortably. I am not Tim Hand. I am the act of Tim Hand-ing this life. One might even say that I am Tim Handling it.

No one has ever found healing or self-betterment by declaring war on themselves. So then, we should not hate the seed because it is not yet the flower. Instead, we should love the seed for what it is, and then it will grow to become the flower. The question that we must start with is, “Can I love the seed that I am today so that I may grow into the flower I will love tomorrow?” We are all process; we are all movement. Can I love the in-breath as much as the out-breath? Both are pleasant, and both support me.

We all deserve to breathe. We all deserve the air that is necessary to live. But love is also necessary to live. Perhaps we can live longer without love than without air, but the same can be said about food and water. Deprive someone of food, water, or air long enough and they will perish. Deprive someone of love long enough and they too will perish. So then, ask yourself,

“Do I deserve air so that I may live?”

“Do I deserve love so that I may live?”

Although we may believe ourselves to be a tragic mess, through love, we can transform ourselves from a tragic mess into a compassionate mess. How may we love ourselves with our breath? How can we practice self-compassion through our breathing?

          Just as our lungs do not require thinking to supply oxygen to our body, we cannot think our way into supplying love to ourselves. Love is not an emotion or a thought. It is a Tao, a way of walking through this world, a world full of people, and you are one of them. We cannot think love or feel love or even do love. We must be love. Self-love and self-compassion are where you begin the transformation of our world by sitting in your safety and smiling at your scars. You cannot simply be the messenger. You must be the message. You must become the ripple on the pond.